“So, what are we?” Ah, the timeworn question exceeded in age and import only by the existential “Who am I?” Yes, for most of us there comes a time in any relationship…wait, maybe “relationship” is too loaded…let’s see…there comes a time in any potentially-romantically-committed interpersonal interaction in which we wonder just exactly what the nature of that interaction is. Patrick of Greenpoint sums it up for us nicely: “I’ve been on several dates with this person over the last few weeks. It feels like we’re ‘together’ but I just can’t tell. So, are we dating or what?”
First of all, let’s brush the Aristotelian aside (“Going on dates logically entails dating, ergo we are dating”)—we know that’s not what you’re getting at. No, what’s at play here is neither simple nor, in some cases, rational. The question of “What are we?” can be as delicate as the infamous “Do these pants make me look fat?” and “How do you feel about The Strokes?” In fact, the question is viewed as so critical and complex as to be the subject of painstaking legal deliberation. No joke. Not many years ago a San Francisco appellate court defined “dating” as
a social relationship between two individuals who have or have had a reciprocally amorous and increasingly exclusive interest in one another, and shared expectation of the growth of that mutual interest, that has endured for such a length of time and stimulated such frequent interactions that the relationship cannot be deemed to have been casual.**
If you’re like us and find that legalese cannot speak to matters of the heart, this definition probably isn’t what you’re looking for either. Fortunately, there is a straightforward (albeit perhaps scary) solution to your quandary: Ask. That’s right. If you’re at the point where you’re wondering whether you’re “together” or not, there’s a good chance that you’re also at the point where you can have The Talk. If you like the way things are going, let him or her know. And if you don’t like the way things are going, well, now’s a probably a good time to say so. It’s good dating etiquette. And it doesn’t have to be too scary or serious, for that matter. Here are a few tips to make it as painless as possible:
- Pick a casual setting. Try taking a walk together, for instance. That way neither of you will feel trapped (well, no more than necessary), since you’re out in the open—and you won’t feel too self-conscious, since you won’t be in close quarters with others. Plus, a little fresh air is always nice.
- Take the pressure off from the get-go. Make it clear that you just want to make sure you’re on the same page, or at least in the same book.
- Be honest. Trite, but this one belongs on almost any dater do’s list. Tell it like it is. If it’s good enough for Aaron Neville, it’s good enough for you. Think of this as an opportunity—communication is a good thing.
**Our thanks to Lori Writer and her article “Are We Dating Yet?” for pointing to this legalistic gem.
Tell us how you moved from going on dates to “dating” in the Comments section below.
