Arrested Development: The Lost Episodes*
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NARRATOR: Michael Bluth was finishing up another long day at his computer, trying to generate more content [***HINT HINT***] for his new startup Web site, DateSpaces.com. Michael started the project in response to the recent housing market crisis, in hopes of propping up his family’s already struggling real estate business.
The idea came after a series of failed attempts at diverse business ventures. Most recently, the Bluth Company had tried to remarket George Bluth Sr.’s invention “The Cornballer“—a deep-frying kitchen appliance that had been designed to cook cornballs, but was the subject of a massive product recall after inflicting third-degree burns on several of its owners. The new, but apparently unimproved, spin-off device, “The Matzohballer,” was rushed to market to be on the shelves before Passover. Unfortunately, this resulted in the scalding of half a dozen people across L.A., including the Bluth family’s own attorney, Barry Zuckercorn, who decided to sue the Bluths for personal injury. [Cut to newspaper front page with the headline: “Matzohballer not kosher: Zuckercorn will not passover opportunity to sue clients.”]
[Cut back to Michael at work, pulling out his cell phone.] Developing the new Web site was proving to be more work than he could handle on his own, and so Michael decided he would try to enlist the help of his family. He started by calling the only Bluth he could consistently rely on—his son George Michael—whom he expected to find behind the counter at the family’s beachside frozen banana stand—now the most lucrative arm of the Bluth Company.
[Cut to George Michael in staircar, sweaty and distressed.]
GEORGE MICHAEL [desperately]: Bluth Crosstown Express—hop on it!
MICHAEL [surprised]: George Michael, hey, buddy. Are you in the staircar? Why aren’t you at the banana stand? And if you’re there, where’s your uncle G.O.B.?
NARRATOR: The family “staircar” had originally been used to aid passengers in boarding the Bluth family’s private jet, which had long since been repossessed. [Cut to photo of people walking up the back of the staircar to board the Bluth family jet, then photo with staircar but no jet.] It was now one of only two vehicles in the Bluth family.
Much to the chagrin of the Bluths, the staircase on back of the car was conducive to unsolicited freeloaders, or “hop-ons,” hitching free rides across town. This inspired Michael to convert the staircar into a sort of crosstown shuttle in hopes of turning the freeloaders into paying customers. This, too, proved to be unsuccessful, given that passengers angrily protested the new fees, and that the car required a quarter-mile straightaway to come to a complete stop. [Cut to staircar smashing through a parade banner.]
GEORGE MICHAEL: G.O.B.’s in jail, dad.
MICHAEL: In jail?
GEORGE MICHAEL: Yeah. He burned down the banana stand last night.
NARRATOR: In G.O.B.’s latest attempt to rejoin the Magicians’ Alliance, he vowed to perform his “greatest illusion yet”: making the banana stand disappear a la David Copperfield. Drawing a crowd of mostly marijuana enthusiasts and a few magicians, G.O.B.’s plan fell apart in the lead-up to his feat [Cut to G.O.B. with a knife in his teeth and playing cards in his hands over Europe’s “The Final Countdown”] when a routine fire flash set the banana stand aflame. [Cut to G.O.B. standing in handcuffs over the smoldering rubble of the banana stand, saying “Ta da”. Cut to front page of newspaper with headline: “Big yellow joint up in smoke: Local stoners “really hungry”]
MICHAEL: I can’t believe I’m saying this but I’m not even surprised. You know, I’ve had it with your uncle. That banana stand was our biggest of source of revenue since the Matzohballer went under. And just when I was going to let him try one of his real estate ideas. Well, you know what? “F*** City” is out.
GEORGE MICHAEL: I gotta go, Dad. A bunch of hop-ons just hopped off with out paying again.
MICHAEL: OK, buddy. Well, thanks for trying to keep things together. Hey, do you know where I can find Tobias?
GEORGE MICHAEL: I think he’s at a signing for his new self-affirmation book today. You know, To-Bi-As I Want To Be? [Cut to cover of book.] Anyway, I really have to go, Dad. I’m sorry.
MICHAEL: [To himself:] Could’ve chosen a better title…I really don’t know why he spelled his name out like that… [To George Michael] Right. OK. Well, I’ll see you at home. Hang in there, pal. [Michael hangs up, then, to himself:] And with Buster and Mom at Mother Boy…
NARRATOR: Michael knew then that he was going to be alone on this one, too.
[Cut to opening credits]
1. DateSpace of the Week
Opera Lover suggests the New York City Opera for a bella notte right out of Moonstruck. (Great date movie, by the way.)
Been on a really great date lately? Suggest next week’s DateSpace of the week by emailing eric@datespaces.com.
2. This Week at The Daily Dater
This week we discuss how and if it’s ok to date a friend’s ex. Good gracious, you people are gluttons for punishment.
Send your dating queries and conundrums our way by emailing charles@datespaces.com.
3. Last Week’s Puzzle
If you guessed “LOVE HURTS SO GOOD” was the answer to last week’s puzzle, you were wrong. In fact, the answer was “LUKE FARTS SO MUCH.” Congrats to Ericasp for being the first to supply the correct answer.
Happy Dating and Please Post Content!!
The Shameless DateSpaces.com Team
XOXOX
*Not in any way affiliated with the real FOX T.V. show. Please don’t sue us, we’re broke. If you do, we’ll hire Barry Zuckercorn to defend us. He’s very good, you know.
