Dear Letty,
I frequent a happy hour hot-spot in midtown. I won’t name the place, but trust me, it is a meat market! There is one guy that I’ve had my eye on. He shows up with a new model every couple of weeks, and by model I mean really young, lithe, incredibly beautiful models. Here’s the twist. Sometimes this guy is rough and rugged and the next time I see him he is über Euro-trash. Then he morphs into the hip-hop mogul playa guy.

I am an avid people watcher and this man really interests me. So, I took a leap of faith one evening, put on my best push-up bra and got his attention. We text messaged for a couple of days and we spoke on the phone for a few more. He was very clever in asking all types of questions and was at the ready to reflect who I said I was and what I was looking for in a man.

I played along, just to see what would happen and I told him that I was a gym rat and loved to mountain bike, do triathlons and sky dive. And guess what, so did he. He wanted to go on a bike date and I didn’t want to press my luck, so we got together, had some drinks, a bit to eat and then had mediocre sex in the back of a cab. I got what I wanted and then tried to see if we could just be FWB (friends with benefits). But he wanted more. He wanted to be THE GUY, my knight in shining armor and flipped out what when I told him that the sex was just okay and that his penis was just average. He swore are blue streak and I told him that I wasn’t into guys who are controlling.

I am kind worried that I pulled the tiger’s tail. It has been a month since I blew him off. I see him once in a while and he is still the ever-changing guy. He glares at me and creeps me out. Do you think that he is dangerous?
Tiger Tamer (37 y/o female)

Dear TT,
Girlfriend, you did pull the tiger’s tail. Messing around with other people’s emotions is a great way to get yourself a chalk outline on the sidewalk in front of some sexy café. I don’t want to diagnose the guy, but from what you told me, he seems to have some serious narcissistic tendencies. The American Psychiatric Association publishes the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM), fourth edition, Text Revision (DSM-IV-TR) [2000] where it provides the diagnostic criteria for the Narcissistic Personality Disorder (301.81, p. 717). According to the DSM IV-TR, between 2% and 16% of the population in clinical settings (between 0.5-1% of the general population) are diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). Most narcissists, 50-75%, are men.

There are degrees of narcissism. We all have a bit of it, so imagine a Bell Curve, where one end of the curve is the “normal” amount of self-love we need in order to strive for a great life. The other end is the raging control freak that may be very, very dangerous. Here are some of the signs a narcissist will exhibit.

• Sense of Entitlement: The narcissist will want VIP treatment everywhere he goes!
• Delusions of Grandeur: Think he can be master of the universe and will exaggerate every element of his life.
• Center of the Universe: He will suck every ounce of usefulness out of every person that falls for his act. Then he moves on to new victims.
• Lack of Empathy: The person does not give a crap about anyone else. He can’t understand other people’s emotions.
• Social Ineptitude: The narcissist will “act” a certain way because his self-involvement prevents him from being able to connect in ways that “normal” people do.
• Requires Excessive Admiration: He will always find way to be flattered. He thrives on it and will fish for compliments excessively.
• Preoccupied With Fantasies: He will want to use you for his benefit and once you can’t help him take over the world, you’ll be left on the curb.
• Exploitative: All that attention he is bestowing is for self-gain. Don’t mistake his intentions, they are selfish!
• Withholding – Controlling: He will attempt to keep you from enjoying your life, so you can cater to his needs.
• Doesn’t Reciprocate: The narcissist will absorb all romantic emotions and never truly give any back. The narcissist hates himself, so if you love him he’ll resent you.

Dr. Sam Vaknin (http://samvak.tripod.com/cv.html) is known in the therapeutic community for treating narcissists. Here are 5 important things he tells people never to do to a narcissist:

FIVE DON’T DO’S: How to Avoid the Wrath of the Narcissist

• Never disagree with the narcissist or contradict him.
• Never offer him any intimacy.
• Look awed by whatever attributes matters to him (for instance: by his professional achievements or by his good looks, or by his success with women and so on).
• Never remind him of life out there and if you do, connect it somehow to his sense of grandiosity.
• Do not make any comment, which might directly or indirectly impinge on his self-image, omnipotence, judgment, omniscience, skills, capabilities, professional record, or even omnipresence. Bad sentences start with: “I think you overlooked … made a mistake here … you don’t know … do you know … you were not here yesterday so … you cannot … you should … (perceived as rude imposition, narcissists react very badly to restrictions placed on their freedom) … I (never mention the fact that you are a separate, independent entity, narcissists regard others as extensions of their selves, their internalization processes were screwed up and they did not differentiate properly) …” You get the gist of it.

TT, you broke all of these guidelines. So, getting to your question about him being dangerous; I think he has the potential to be. NYC is, contrary to what people who don’t live, work and/or plays in the city, is small. So, start by not going to the meat market where you know he frequents. Then keep your eyes peeled for future occasions of happening to bump into him, be it on the subway, on the street or in a club. Keep your eyes on the sidewalk and make a beeline for an exit.

And learn a valuable lesson. People watching is great. I love it! But injecting yourself into scenarios that may be dangerous is a no-no! There are so many men that you will meet that will have serious issues. So, don’t intentionally jump into sexual relations with men that you already know are effed up!
LL

Have you ever had a run-in with a narcissist? Leave your comments here and send your questions in to me at help@letlettyhelp.com.

©2008 Letty Livingston: Let Letty Help is intended as inspiring and engaging advice and not an alternative for therapeutic intervention, should it be needed.

Read more of Letty Livingston’s sage words at http://letlettyhelp.blogspot.com.