The Tail (sic) of Mortimer & Kate: A Love Story and Fable
Long ago, when cats and monkeys spoke English, there lived a kind-hearted cat named Kate. Kate was one of the few survivors of the Great Kitty Plague, and, with all her loved ones gone, she decided to leave her home in Catalina for a new life. “I’ve gotta make a move to a town that’s right for me,” said Kate one day. She talked about it, talked about it, talked about it, talked about it, and, finally, one day she packed up her kitty things and headed to the only town outside Catalina that she had ever heard of: Monkeytown.
The road was long and lonely. Eventually, Kate came upon a small cottage a little ways from Monkeytown. She was weary from travel, and wanted to rest for the night before completing her journey, so she decided to see if she could stay the night at the cottage. She had no money, but wanted to be prepared to offer some recompense for a night’s stay. As was the kitty custom of the time, she caught and killed a small rodent to offer as a gift to the owner of the cottage. Little did Kate know, the cottage belonged to Mortimer, the moodiest most self-satisfied monkey around. All the monkeys in Monkeytown called him Brass Monkey, because he was so impudent.
Kate knocked. “Who are you and what do you want?” said Brass Monkey, that grumpy monkey.
“It is I, Kate the cat,” said Kate. “I’ve traveled all the way from Catalina and I need a place to stay for the night. Please let me in; I’ve brought you a gift.”
Mortimer peered through his monkey peephole, saw Kate with the rodent in her mouth and slowly opened the door. “I suppose you can come in,” said Mortimer, “But you must leave in the morning.”
Lucky for Kate, she had found the key to Mortimer’s monkey heart: dead rodents. For you see, Mortimer had once been a taxidermist–the finest in the land. But after a battle wound long ago in the Great Monkey War left Mortimer unable to collect specimens, he had to put his taxidermy on the shelf. This of course, was why he was always so moody. But with the rodent from Kate, everything would change.
From that moment on, Kate and Mortimer grew ever closer. They would laugh together at their fortune that cats and monkeys were the only anthropomorphic creatures in the world. Kate marveled at Mortimer’s prehensile tail–so unlike her own. Mortimer introduced Kate, who loved to eat fish, to canned tuna, a delicacy she had never before enjoyed, as she, lacking opposable thumbs, could not operate a can opener. And, of course, Kate continued to collect specimens upon which Mortimer could practice his beloved taxidermy. They were in love.
Mortimer began to earn money from his beautiful stuffed carcasses. One night, he decided to take Kate to the most wondrous restaurant in all of Monkeytown. Mortimer ordered a shrimp cocktail hors d’oeuvres, certain that it would delight Kate, who, as we know, loved seafood. Unfortunately, and unbeknownst to Kate, she was allergic to shellfish and died upon her first bite of very first taste of shrimp.
Mortimer wept monkey tears. He never wanted to forget his beloved Kate. Then it came to him: he would turn Kate into the finest taxidermy specimen of all.
So Kate adorned the Mortimer’s cottage for the rest of his days, and he never forgot her.
MORALS:
1. Sometimes it’s best not to order an appetizer–you might end up stuffed before you get to the main course.
2. If you have to write a mass-distributed email, wait till your roommate gets home from the gym before you eat one of the brownies he left on the counter so you can find out what’s in them. Trust me… Oh, man, those brownies were good.
1. DateSpace of the Week
Charles recommends Session 73 for karaoke and “fantastic sangria.” Man, I could totally go for some sangria right now. And some tortilla chips. You know what’s really good? Those ‘Hint of Lime’ chips.
Been on a really great date lately? Suggest next week’s DateSpace of the week by emailing eric@datespaces.com.
2. This Week at The Daily Dater
Letty explains what to do when you want to be more than just a friend, but your love interest isn’t having it. Oh, crap! Remember Biz Markie? Or is it “Marquis”? I can never remember, and I took like four years of French…
Send your dating queries and conundrums our way by emailing charles@datespaces.com.
See you at White Castle,
The DateSpaces.com Team
XOXOX
