Hi Letty,
I’ve been confused for some time now about men. I’m just about forty and have never had a boyfriend. Let me just state that I am highly educated, very funny, and according to many men really “hot looking” but I never get asked out, in fact, I get shunned. Why are guys mean to nice girls and obedient to nasty ones? Seriously, all four of my brothers both married nasty women and they admit that their wives are nasty (and unattractive). Please explain this. I am totally confused.
39 y/o Virgin
Dear 39V,
Perhaps you and your siblings’ situation is due in some part to the relationship your parents had. Were you all raised in an overly matriarchal household? Did your dad let your mom rule with an iron fist? Was your mom tough on your brothers but even tougher on you?
Not all men are mean to nice women and obedient to nasty ones. That is an extremely pessimists and fatalistic outlook and could be why men don’t ask you out. Negativity is palpable. People can sense when a person’s personality is going to suck the life out of a conversation or a party and they naturally keep their distance. But you did say you are quite the comic, so perhaps something else is at foot. (When you asked the question [Why are guys mean to nice girls and obedient to nasty ones?] you used the word girls instead of women, which leads me to believe that you may be stuck on something that happened to you way-back-when.)
There is nothing I can do to assist your brothers’ choices in whom they married. Perhaps they are all happy being treated just like momma would treat them. As for you; our esteem issues (if this is your issue) are passed onto us from our moms. It is common that what a mother’s issues were as a girl are transferred directly to her daughter. There is a term currently being tossed around in the therapeutic community called “womb wounds” and it refers to this occurrence. Our mothers try to shield us from what they were troubled with while growing up by overcompensating on the points in their rearing techniques and they end up producing the opposite effect and digging deeper wounds in us. It is a tragic cycle and one that needs to be broken.
Finding self-love may be your salvation sweetie and your question could not have come at a better time. The issue of low self-esteem has been an affliction among women for generations and it is about time that someone is doing something about it on a grand scale. Dove soap launched a new site dedicated to females in your shoes. The site is set up to aid girls in feeling more at home in their own skin and to develop the connection between daughter and mother. It is a great tool for women of all ages; since it is never too late to learn methods of overcoming low self-esteem and develop a new outlook.
In time you may be able to adopt an optimistic outlook that will attract men. It may also be time to consider that it may not be a man who is going to be your mate; as even the most self-deprecating women tend to try to fill their void with losers and get preyed on by men who are into women who have low self-esteem, especially “hot looking” ones. It could be that you are not heterosexual but may be gay or asexual. Look at this site. Self-acceptance is key. Good luck finding whatever it is that is going to make you feel more fulfilled.
LL
Are you in, or do you know someone who is in the same boat as this woman? Can you share what you did or what the person you know did to overcome their situation? It’d really help a lot of other Datespacers.
September has been sweltering so far, but sweater-wearing weather is just on the horizon. So, think cool thoughts and send in any questions about dating, relationships or sex to me at help@letlettyhelp.com. Please include your age. I will reply to you personally. All names are kept in the strictest of confidence.
©2008 Letty Livingston: Let Letty Help is intended as inspiring and engaging advice and not an alternative for therapeutic intervention, should it be needed.
Read more of Letty Livingston’s sage words at http://letlettyhelp.blogspot.com
I have an easier answer… tell her to get a job at a restaurant… people who work at restaurants are always screwing around with each other… everybody dates everybody - servers date servers, servers date kitchen staff, etc. Even the insecure ones get dates damn near instantly. Just jump right into the deep end! Just my 2 pennies.
OMG! I KNOW! (ala Monica from Friends. Yeah I’m a dork!) Restaurants are SO incestuous! So are nightclubs! (Firsthand knowledge here.) But this woman’s issues are WAY deeper than having trouble getting a date.
Thanks for the two pennies JD. (I thought I read two penises. Oh my!) And let us know where the best place for a snog in a restaurant is!
xo
LL
damn thats kinda tuff this day and age in todays society a woman a virgin ?shit thats really rare i mean i figure a woman can get some anytime she wants,for us man we gotta fight for whats ours,well i mean when i travel to a 3rd world country most of girls are already and have kids before age 22 if u still aint married or have kids at that age than something is wrong,maybe she can have a arrange kind of thing i don’t mind i mean my mom and dad was arranged,crazy world we live in but best of luck to her.great post btw
Hi Peter,
The woman in question has issues that go deeper than just being a virgin. On another note, imagine if here in America we began to initiate arranged marriages? Who knows they may work better than leaving it the way it is now. Over half of them end up slpitting up and a good percentage of the ones that stay together are in no way functional. Arranged maggiages, who knows???
Thanks for adding your ideas.
LL