Dear Letty,
I am the member of a popular online dating site. I keep getting flirts from the SAME guy. His profile sounds like he is very uneducated which is a HUGE turn-off for me. Is there ANY way to let him know I’m not interested? I’m sick of getting flirts from him.
Unhappy Uptown Girl (25 y/o F)
Dear UUG,
Feast or famine — it seems to be a cycle with a lot of online daters. If you want to be done with this guy, you can do one of two things. The first, is to send him an email letting him know just what you told me, that his profile makes him come across as extremely uneducated and you find it to be unbecoming. Then let him know you’d prefer it if he would kindly stop sending flirts; you are not interested. If you take this route, be sure to use the spell check option in your emailing program before sending him the message. I left your email to me as you sent it and from the way it reads, some people may think of you what you think of him.
The other option is to ignore him and eventually he will go away. Some people just don’t get that a flirt is a friendly gesture and if the recipient is interested he or she will flirt back. If not, that means the recipient is not interested. If they continue to send unrequited flirts they come across as stalkerish. I am sure you are not the only person he is badgering; people like this usually cast a wide net in hopes of increasing their odds for a response. Perhaps he will read this and get a clue. Look on the bright side, someone out there thinks you are the ant’s pants. Good luck.
LL
Dear Letty,
How can I get someone’s attention that is on my favorites list? I have already sent several flirts to him but no luck. I would really like the chance to get to know this person.
Clueless in Queens (43 y/o F)
Dear CQ,
OMG! I just answered a question like this one, except it was from the other side of the coin, so to speak. Girlfriend listen, a flirt in Cyberspace is just that, a flirt; much like a smile and wink or wave across a crowded room in the real world.
In the real world and in Cyberspace the person sending the signal is letting the other know that he or she is interested. The recipient now has the option to:
a) Reciprocate and flirt back but keep on about their business
b) To come over and say hello or send an email
c) To ignore the flirt altogether
Now, imagine that you are out at an event and a guy kept on winking and smiling at you no matter how you tried to ignore him or how uncomfortable it made you feel. What would you think? That this guy needs to wake up and smell the coffee. Right? Or even that something may be misfiring in his synapse or that he is a possible stalker. Yikes! Well sweetie that is what you are doing in the online dating scene. So stop.
If a guy (or gal) doesn’t flirt back, leave them alone; they are not interested, tough luck, move on.
PEOPLE — accept the signals that are out there and you will be less disappointed and more likely to succeed at dating.
LL
Do you online date? How do you get rid of people who just don’t get it? Let us know.
Leave your comments here and send your questions in to me at help@letlettyhelp.com. Please include your age. All submissions will be considered for publication and all names will be kept in the strictest of confidence. I will email my advice directly to your inbox. Thank you for all of the questions. I am happy that so many of you are feeling more capable of dating successfully.
©2008 Letty Livingston: Let Letty Help is intended as inspiring and engaging advice and not an alternative for therapeutic intervention, should it be needed.
Read more of Letty Livingston’s sage words at http://letlettyhelp.blogspot.com, or do an online search for (me or) my column and read lots of other Q&As. Happy dating!
“Send him an email letting him know just what you told me, that his profile makes him come across as extremely uneducated and you find it to be unbecoming”
This is golden. I personally would probably dumb it down a notch though, because the word “unbecoming” probably would not register with someone who already sounds uneducated. “Fuck off” is always a good option too though…
As for the girl who is getting nowhere: honey move on. There are too many dicks swinging around without a place to land to be so hung up on just one. Any guy who makes you work that hard for it is NOT worth it. Trust me on this one. But don’t be too hard on yourself…the fact that he is uninterested is probably what is keeping you hot for him. Recognize it, and move on.
Look, we all have our “types.” A guy can be drop dead gorgeous, and chances are, I won’t like him. Don’t take it personal…just accept it and move on. There are plenty of other guys who will wade through ice cold rivers to get into your pants.
Yo Mo,
You do have a way with words my friend! Thanks for putting it in perspective.
xoxo
LL
Time to work some magic. Let’s start with UUG, you have more options than you think. Delete your profile or tell him the kind of man you want that is opposite of him. If he’s tall tell him you want someone who’s short if he’s young tell him you want some one old, if he’s got kids, well I think you get the point. But there’s also the let’s be friends speech, that’s a man crusher! Another option is to help get him a girlfriend and tell him that is your intent. The last and the greatest man crusher is to tell him how much he’s like your ex and that you just cant do that again. Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind!
CQ don’t give up hope, men are hard headed when it comes to these things. You’ve got to change your tactics, challenge him! On any level you can, this guy is in the candy shop when what he wants is a steak, something he can sink his teeth into and you my Dear are just another sweet. What do you have to loose if he doesn’t accept the challenge? My guess is nothing but you may earn some respect. A wink? LOL! Swat him on the ass with a little pepper.
Well maybe not so much magic, still worth trying
Hi Merlin,
A woman should never have to resort to tactics like that. If he’s not into her, he’s not into her.
But great insights about man crushing!
xoxo
LL
Letty we differ on our preception of the situation, where you are thinking about the woman I’m thinking about the man. Until he says no all bets are on although it is up to her to show him her value since she is the persuer in this matter…
Sorry M, I too am thinking of the man. No guy will respect a gal who has to wag it in front of him on the regular. So it would not be good for either.
Pestering is not sexy for either gender. Your view is screwed up M and your advice to both women was off. I appreciate your insights but honestly, there is a right and wrong way to do things and you shined a light on all the wrong options.
For the UUG you propose that she give attention and time to a guy who she wants nothing to do with. WRONG.
Then you suggest that the Clueless is steak in a candy store and that she continue to waste time and hope on someone that wants nothing to do with her. Again WRONG.
Most women hope for romance and most men yearn for sex. There are gray areas about the type of connection people will have, but hope is a resource which should not be wasted.
Merlin your magic is but smoke and mirrors. Sorry sir but your advice tells of how you view women. It is not pretty.
LL
Puttin words in my mouth Letty? UUG wrote “I’m sick of getting flirts from him.” I suggest she crush him in the way described as tried an true methods. As far as CG goes I called her just another sweet in the candy shop. This man wants a steak. As far as the wagging goes she doesn’t have to wag anything and that is not what I proposed. I believe I said she has to challenge him… If you dont understand that then I guess you really don understand men. And to correct you women want sex just as much as men they want it on thier terms. You asked for my two cents I gave it and now I’m wrong? My advice is sound but I grow tired of this one sided arguement. So go ahead get the last word in I’m used to it. It doesn’t matter any way
Fair enough M.
*What steak and sweets have to do with it???
*Why challenge a guy who is not into you?
*Why waste time crushing some guy you don’t want to waste time on???
And just because I asked, does not mean that you get to say whatever you want and not get challenged.
But ~~~ You get to see it your way too.
xoxo
LL
For whatever reason some people just aren’t attracted to one another. One might be and flirts to see a response but if it is none or non-positive why continue? Not only do you waste your time but there’s as well. as much as it hurts you just have to move on and there is plenty of other people to flirt/pursue
Hi Angel,
You had me at why continue.
xoxo
LL