Our latest query: long distance dating. Is it worth the effort?

Stephanie says: I’ve always been a bit of a hopeless romantic. My heart flutters at the sight of red roses. I live for proclamations of love shouted from rooftops or while running through the pouring rain. I like the possibility that “the one” could be sitting next to me on the subway or offering to buy me a drink (yes, even then).

But thinking that a long-distance relationship is possible? Get real!

When I was in college I spent five months in Europe. On my first night there, during dinner with the other students in my program, the topic of relationships came up. When I announced that I had a boyfriend back home, the general reaction was, “Oh my God, why?!”

Well, because I was young, naïve, and dumb. I assumed that many, many e-mails and instant messages, and the occasional phone call would almost be the same as seeing the person everyday, as had been the case back home.

It wasn’t even close.

When you’re not face to face with your love you can miss out on those subtle social cues that say a lot more than words alone – the forced smile that indicates he or she is more upset than letting on, the glimmer of happiness in his or her eye. And a phone call can’t substitute for the security of the “I’m-so-sorry-you’re-having-a-bad-day” embrace. Eventually, the distance, at least if it’s for a long time, can break down the close emotional and physical bond that you both put so much time and effort building. You deal with the loneliness by taking up new friends and activities or even falling for someone else.

The bottom line? Distance does not make the heart grow fonder; it just makes it more, well, distant.

Charles says: Dating over distance is one of the hardest things to do in the world, especially when you’re an ocean-length away.

But in the words of Project Runway’s guru Tim Gunn, make it work. If that special someone is worth it, then you can work it out.

Here’s what I mean: in some cases, there are relationships that are meant to be and there are those that aren’t. The test of a few months away from each other in the physical sense is obviously the hardest one. Here’s what I suggest: if the person isn’t six time zones away (let’s say it’s a Boston-NY distance), make some arrangements for visiting on certain weekends. Schedule time to talk almost every night, if you can. Go out and purchase a webcam just to see each other’s face. Have an understanding that there are some nights when you’ll be busy (especially when you’re abroad, there’s so much to explore and do) and vice versa. Don’t expect for there to be the same kind of relationship, but as long as everyone’s on the same page as far as expectations, that will keep things going for the distance, temporary or otherwise.

That’s not to say that Steph’s situation didn’t have any of that. I’m making the point that you can’t throw the proverbial baby out with the bathwater (ocean water?) before you give it a try.

The first query: Who should pay on the first date?

Stephanie says: Guys, of course you should pay on a first date. If you want to make a good impression then trust me, coughing up a couple of extra dollars goes a long way. Once, while out for drinks with a guy, I was forced to pick up the tab and pay for the cab ride back to our respective homes. I knew then that he was not dating material (ok, that and the fact that he was kind of lame).

But anyway, let me explain why I was so turned off. If a guy is reluctant to buy me dinner, or even a drink, I automatically think he’s probably cheap, which also makes me think he’s stingy with his time, feelings, and perhaps in more intimate ways… Paying for a woman’s meal says: “I like you and want to treat you to a nice time.” On the other hand, not paying says: “I’m not sure how I feel about you and I’m not going to spend more money than I have to because you may not be worth it.”
And no, I’m not saying guys should always pay. After the first date it makes sense to either go Dutch or for the woman to treat you. But give yourself the chance to get that far!

Charles says: This is the 21st century. Men and women are equal. So why do males have the onus to pay? When it comes to first dates, neither party wants to invest in the relationship just yet. Therefore, there should be an unspoken agreement that both sides should split the bill down the middle. A few years back, I took a woman out on a date to see a movie, and she got insulted that I was going to pay for her ticket. As I remember, she said, with an offended tone, “I make good money, so I can pay for my own ticket, thank you very much!” You can pretty much guess where that one went…

In addition, there’s method to our so-called madness: men don’t want women to feel that they owe something back after we’ve spent our money on them. Women should feel that they’re on equal footing. Imagine if I’d taken you to an expensive restaurant and paid for the $100 bill on my own. Especially in this day and age, wouldn’t you feel guilty that I spent all this money and expect that I want to get something in return?

I don’t believe that men should be tagged “undate-able” just because they don’t pay (though, the fact that your guy was lame…well, that’s a good reason!). As I’ve mentioned above, it’s meant to put you at ease. Agreeing to pay Dutch (where did that phrase come from, anyway? Wikipedia says this) is a good way to get everybody on the same level. I promise – it’s on me the next time!